First Mother's Day

As difficult as it is for me to comprehend - everyone keeps telling me we're parents now. I'm a mother already, even if I've only held my baby in my belly and in my heart and not my arms.

I realize Mother's Day can be a touchy subject for many, as it brings up pains and regrets over children lost or children never realized. I've never made much of a big deal about it, because I understand that for some people, for whatever reason, it's not a day of celebration but of mourning. For others of us, both expecting via biological birth and by adoption, it's a weird day because the world is divided on whether or not we ARE mothers at this stage of the game. Just because we haven't held our babies yet, does it mean we're any less emotionally invested than those who have? And for those who have lost children, either before birth or after, does the absence of a physical body mean you're no longer a mom?

So as I went about my day yesterday, it was interesting to observe Mother's Day from this "middle ground." It was interesting to see who wished me a happy Mother's Day as an obviously-expectant mom. Thank you to the myriad of friends, neighbors, coworkers, strangers and in-laws who did :) It was much appreciated.

It was also interesting to see how many people on Facebook mentioned Mother's Day. As I've gotten older and more of my friends have become moms or dads, the amount of people mentioning mother's day or changing their profile picture to a picture of them and their moms was amazing. TONS. Made me realize if I lost a child or no one recongized me as a mom, I'd want to hide in a dark hole with no Facebook for the whole weekend, which would be a shame since the weather here was SO lovely.

Speaking of lovely weather - my husband took full advantage of it for us as he helped me celebrate my first Mother's Day. I woke up (OK - so he woke me up) around 11:15 to a breakfast in the backyard, lovingly prepared by Snooze - my favorite brunch place in Denver! Two kinds of eggs benedict and some kind of delicious chocolately pancakes! Yum. He brought home a lovely vase of yellow flowers and tried to buy me a hammock because I LOVE them and our yard is begging for one, but that didn't work out as they weren't in-store. After church we grabbed burgers and ate in the backyard again under the pergola with the Christmas lights on. All in all - it was a nice time of celebrating Vanderbean making me a mom, but more than that, celebrating the blessings God has given us in each other, our home and the wee one bouncing up a storm in my belly.

Pancakes with flowers on them. So delish. And pretty. And eco-friendly.

Lovely flowers from my main squeeze. Finally - fresh flowers in my house!

Our yummy brunch, complete with a nosy dog who wanted to celebrate, umm...eat, with us.

 Somewhere in the middle of all that, we squeezed in a trip to the Dollar Store (romantic, right? He had to pick up supplies for church). I sat in the car and watched a bazillion people come in and out of Dollar General and marveled. Not only were there a ton of people for a Sunday, but Mother's Day at the Dollar General? And the women going in and out were dressed to the nines, carrying flowers and wishing everyone a happy Mother's Day - including the teenager smoking pot on the sidewalk :) It was a very jolly atmosphere outside (Adrian said inside everyone was unhappy about the registers - apparently Dollar General didn't expect it to be a high-traffic day either).

So, if you are, ever were or ever plan to be a mother - I hope it was a happy Mother's Day for you. For the ways you alter your life to raise a the next generation - whether it be through parenting or spiritual parenting and discipling - thank you. You have been and are a blessing and hopefully because of you, we worship the One who perfectly parents.

Thoughts on Dating for My Single Friends

When I was dating Adrian, I had a fantastic mentor who never denied me her wisdom and insight on dating and marriage. She was an immeasurable blessing to me during that time of trying to figure out my relationship with this guy, my relationship with the Lord and how all the facets of each worked together. After Adrian and I broke up, she was the one woman who would let me vent to her and cry to her - at her house, at the football field, in the line at Chick-Fil-A (you get the idea. It wasn't pretty). I'm sure she did grow weary of hearing the same struggles of my heart over and over again, but she never denied me time or counsel. Heather, I cannot express how thankful I am for you.

She once told me that it was an odd stage of life to be in - to have been married for years, with children and yet to be counseling young people on dating. Strangely enough, less than five years later I find myself in a similar place, except this time young men and women come to Adrian and I for wisdom. More and more frequently, I find myself having talking to a friend about dating. Since we're one of the "old married couples," I've found myself studying dating again with the hopes that somehow, we can express some truths to our single and searching friends - namely, that the Gospel changes EVERYTHING - especially dating.

Though we did not date perfectly or well by any means, and though I would advise a couple in our exact situation to approach some things differently, by God's grace, he has blessed me with an incredible husband who loves Him primarily, despite my screw-ups in dating. Our marriage isn't without it's difficulties, but I can honestly say that aside from Jesus, Adrian is the biggest blessing in my life.

A few thoughts and tidbits on this subject:
1) An article I read this week hit the nail on the head when it said an entire generation of church-going girls were taught that if they loved Jesus enough, He'd bring them a husband. They sat and waited for this "prize" of a man and the church, by and large, failed to tell them a husband wasn't the prize - JESUS is the prize.

2) Most married and/or older people have also failed to accurately convey reality to our single friends. Rather than telling them, "You'll meet someone some day" or "The right one is still out there," we need to be realistic. Statistics say you are not guaranteed a husband or wife. Not everyone marries. It is not an inevitability, and this is not a reflection of God's goodness or how marry-able you are. Again - JESUS is the prize, not a spouse - and saying good girls and guys will eventually have one implies that if they work hard enough, they'll be gifted with a spouse, as if that is the ultimate goal. It's not. Our pastor in Raleigh used to say that unhappy single people become unhappy married people. This does not imply that you need to work to make yourself happier, and then God will bless you with a spouse. Remember #1 - Jesus is the prize. Work to find your happiness in Him and let him care for your heart - single or not.

3) If you marry or if you don't, realize there are incredible burdens and blessings with both. Neither is an easy road, but in God's wisdom, He gifts people with either the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage - oftentimes both at different seasons of life. John Piper did an excellent sermon on this I listened to after Adrian and I broke up. If you have trouble believing that there are good things in singleness, please listen.

4) Realize that if you do get married, it will still be really easy to idolize marriage and the identity it brings along with it. A book I was reading earlier this week reminded me of how easy it is, especially for women, to allow ourselves to fear losing our marriage so much that it drives us to silence about sin out of fear. Ladies - who is the ultimate provider of your security, your sanctification, and your sustenance? Is it a man, or is it Jesus? Again, marriage is not the prize - Jesus is the prize. Don't be bullied into silence or wishfully hoping your husband will change for fear of losing that union.

5) Speaking up in a relationship is important. Men - you need to put on your big-boy pants and shoot straight. Our feelings might be hurt, we might cry in front of you (heaven forbid!), but we will get over it. Don't be a pansy and "hang out" with a girl for months and never give her any clear indication of your feelings. If you don't want to date her - tell her and act like it. If you do want to date her - tell her and act like it. Women, if a guy isn't declaring any intentions at all with you (and hear me - I'm not talking about the first few weeks. Don't be that girl who pushes too early and too much. I was and it's one of the reasons we broke up), don't just sit around "hoping and praying" he eventually will declare feelings for you. Protect your heart and have those conversations to see if this is going anywhere. Don't be so afraid of losing his friendship that you put everything on the line - time, emotions, hopes, plans - without knowing he is on the same page. See #3. Don't idolize that relationship or potential marriage. God wants men to be men and women to be women, but nowhere in the Bible does it advocate men using women or women being doormats.

6) Date within the context of community. I cannot emphasize this enough. Unfortunately, Adrian and I did not really do this since we lived in 2 different states until we got married (but we still had our respective friends and mentors give counsel). For the young people who aren't in our particular set of circumstances - make dating within community a priority. If you date within the community of your local church it (i) allows you to get to know people and let people get to know you more naturally, (ii) allows you to see a very real picture of whether or not that person loves Jesus, (iii) allows you to have people speak into your relationship, rather than solely trusting your own instincts and perceptions, (iv) allows you to date someone who is open to correction and wisdom from others. Too many times I've seen friends date people who were unwilling to go to church with them, be vulnerable with others or listen to counsel. Sometimes these people claimed to be believers, sometimes they didn't. Either way, an unyielding and unteachable spirit in a partner leads to heartache.

7) Don't date people that don't share the faith you claim. Obviously, most of these points are directed at people that claim to know Jesus and would call themselves Christian. If you believe in Christ, and your significant other does not - I beg you to reconsider the whole relationship. I know it's hard to feel like you're "limiting your options" by only dating people who believe in Jesus. I'll ask you this though - is it worth your time, energy and heartache to keep dating people who will work off a different set of ideals and standards, just for the sake of having more options? I would think less options of a better quality equals more success overall.

8) Treat the people you date as your brother or sister in Christ. Biblically, we don't see a model for dating like we do it today. That leaves a lot of areas for you to wonder how to relate to people in relationships. Biblically, it seems people either treat each other as a brother or sister in Christ, caring for them and protecting them and wanting the best for them, or you're married - in which case it's all those things, plus the gift of sex. When in doubt on how to date, treat that person as you would someone you care deeply about without the romantic side of things. This gets tricky - not going to lie - but if there isn't a clear direction toward marriage, treat them with respect and courtesy as you would a dear friend. Most people don't routinely make out with friends, so keep that in mind when figuring out how to conduct yourself.

Please hear my heart on this - I care about your love life. Is that weird? I see so much heartache due to poor relationships where men don't act like Godly men and women don't act like Godly women. It doesn't have to be that way. You won't date perfectly - God's grace will cover that. You won't have a pure heart all the time - God's grace will cover that. You will desire things out of a relationship you were never meant to find there - God's grace will cover that. Above all else, clothe yourself with dignity, seek wisdom and counsel and remember that JESUS is the prize.