When I was dating Adrian, I had a fantastic mentor who never denied me her wisdom and insight on dating and marriage. She was an immeasurable blessing to me during that time of trying to figure out my relationship with this guy, my relationship with the Lord and how all the facets of each worked together. After Adrian and I broke up, she was the one woman who would let me vent to her and cry to her - at her house, at the football field, in the line at Chick-Fil-A (you get the idea. It wasn't pretty). I'm sure she did grow weary of hearing the same struggles of my heart over and over again, but she never denied me time or counsel. Heather, I cannot express how thankful I am for you.
She once told me that it was an odd stage of life to be in - to have been married for years, with children and yet to be counseling young people on dating. Strangely enough, less than five years later I find myself in a similar place, except this time young men and women come to Adrian and I for wisdom. More and more frequently, I find myself having talking to a friend about dating. Since we're one of the "old married couples," I've found myself studying dating again with the hopes that somehow, we can express some truths to our single and searching friends - namely, that the Gospel changes EVERYTHING - especially dating.
Though we did not date perfectly or well by any means, and though I would advise a couple in our exact situation to approach some things differently, by God's grace, he has blessed me with an incredible husband who loves Him primarily, despite my screw-ups in dating. Our marriage isn't without it's difficulties, but I can honestly say that aside from Jesus, Adrian is the biggest blessing in my life.
A few thoughts and tidbits on this subject:
1) An article I read this week hit the nail on the head when it said an entire generation of church-going girls were taught that if they loved Jesus enough, He'd bring them a husband. They sat and waited for this "prize" of a man and the church, by and large, failed to tell them a husband wasn't the prize - JESUS is the prize.
2) Most married and/or older people have also failed to accurately convey reality to our single friends. Rather than telling them, "You'll meet someone some day" or "The right one is still out there," we need to be realistic. Statistics say you are not guaranteed a husband or wife. Not everyone marries. It is not an inevitability, and this is not a reflection of God's goodness or how marry-able you are. Again - JESUS is the prize, not a spouse - and saying good girls and guys will eventually have one implies that if they work hard enough, they'll be gifted with a spouse, as if that is the ultimate goal. It's not. Our pastor in Raleigh used to say that unhappy single people become unhappy married people. This does not imply that you need to work to make yourself happier, and then God will bless you with a spouse. Remember #1 - Jesus is the prize. Work to find your happiness in Him and let him care for your heart - single or not.
3) If you marry or if you don't, realize there are incredible burdens and blessings with both. Neither is an easy road, but in God's wisdom, He gifts people with either the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage - oftentimes both at different seasons of life. John Piper did an excellent sermon on this I listened to after Adrian and I broke up. If you have trouble believing that there are good things in singleness, please listen.
4) Realize that if you do get married, it will still be really easy to idolize marriage and the identity it brings along with it. A book I was reading earlier this week reminded me of how easy it is, especially for women, to allow ourselves to fear losing our marriage so much that it drives us to silence about sin out of fear. Ladies - who is the ultimate provider of your security, your sanctification, and your sustenance? Is it a man, or is it Jesus? Again, marriage is not the prize - Jesus is the prize. Don't be bullied into silence or wishfully hoping your husband will change for fear of losing that union.
5) Speaking up in a relationship is important. Men - you need to put on your big-boy pants and shoot straight. Our feelings might be hurt, we might cry in front of you (heaven forbid!), but we will get over it. Don't be a pansy and "hang out" with a girl for months and never give her any clear indication of your feelings. If you don't want to date her - tell her and act like it. If you do want to date her - tell her and act like it. Women, if a guy isn't declaring any intentions at all with you (and hear me - I'm not talking about the first few weeks. Don't be that girl who pushes too early and too much. I was and it's one of the reasons we broke up), don't just sit around "hoping and praying" he eventually will declare feelings for you. Protect your heart and have those conversations to see if this is going anywhere. Don't be so afraid of losing his friendship that you put everything on the line - time, emotions, hopes, plans - without knowing he is on the same page. See #3. Don't idolize that relationship or potential marriage. God wants men to be men and women to be women, but nowhere in the Bible does it advocate men using women or women being doormats.
6) Date within the context of community. I cannot emphasize this enough. Unfortunately, Adrian and I did not really do this since we lived in 2 different states until we got married (but we still had our respective friends and mentors give counsel). For the young people who aren't in our particular set of circumstances - make dating within community a priority. If you date within the community of your local church it (i) allows you to get to know people and let people get to know you more naturally, (ii) allows you to see a very real picture of whether or not that person loves Jesus, (iii) allows you to have people speak into your relationship, rather than solely trusting your own instincts and perceptions, (iv) allows you to date someone who is open to correction and wisdom from others. Too many times I've seen friends date people who were unwilling to go to church with them, be vulnerable with others or listen to counsel. Sometimes these people claimed to be believers, sometimes they didn't. Either way, an unyielding and unteachable spirit in a partner leads to heartache.
7) Don't date people that don't share the faith you claim. Obviously, most of these points are directed at people that claim to know Jesus and would call themselves Christian. If you believe in Christ, and your significant other does not - I beg you to reconsider the whole relationship. I know it's hard to feel like you're "limiting your options" by only dating people who believe in Jesus. I'll ask you this though - is it worth your time, energy and heartache to keep dating people who will work off a different set of ideals and standards, just for the sake of having more options? I would think less options of a better quality equals more success overall.
8) Treat the people you date as your brother or sister in Christ. Biblically, we don't see a model for dating like we do it today. That leaves a lot of areas for you to wonder how to relate to people in relationships. Biblically, it seems people either treat each other as a brother or sister in Christ, caring for them and protecting them and wanting the best for them, or you're married - in which case it's all those things, plus the gift of sex. When in doubt on how to date, treat that person as you would someone you care deeply about without the romantic side of things. This gets tricky - not going to lie - but if there isn't a clear direction toward marriage, treat them with respect and courtesy as you would a dear friend. Most people don't routinely make out with friends, so keep that in mind when figuring out how to conduct yourself.
Please hear my heart on this - I care about your love life. Is that weird? I see so much heartache due to poor relationships where men don't act like Godly men and women don't act like Godly women. It doesn't have to be that way. You won't date perfectly - God's grace will cover that. You won't have a pure heart all the time - God's grace will cover that. You will desire things out of a relationship you were never meant to find there - God's grace will cover that. Above all else, clothe yourself with dignity, seek wisdom and counsel and remember that JESUS is the prize.
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