Pensieve

If I only could get to Hogwarts, I'd take advantage of the pensieve and relieve myself of the thoughts and memories swirling around in my head. However, I don't see that as a likelihood, so my blog will have to function in that role.

It's been a couple months of mental treadmill time. So many things going on, questions being asked, emotional battles being fought and beliefs being hashed out. It's been a period of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows for me. I didn't believe the people who said I'd absolutely love being a mom. Why would I? I'm not super maternal and I had zero experience with babies. I had no idea how much I would love it. I also didn't fathom how much it would stretch my faith and me to return to the workforce only 7 weeks after Seh being born. Since her birth, it has been a time of rapid change in our lives, and though we knew it was coming, I confess it's been much harder than I expected for me. The uncertainty has left me reeling, and struggling against God and wondering what the future holds.

Today is our 4-year anniversary. Like we do every year, we're taking a weekend vacation to celebrate and re-connect. On the one hand - I'm a little scared. Leaving my little munchkin all weekend is not the most appealing thing, but on the other hand - an entire weekend away to sleep and keep clothes free of baby bodily fluids? Awesome. And yet - it's bittersweet to move forward into our 5th year of marriage. It's been a wonderful season of life, but the winds they are a changing and bringing a new season with them. In the last year, we bought a house and had a baby. Those are big changes to carry us into year 5. Now we have big questions about how to pay our mortgage and save for Selah. No longer can we be as carefree with our decisions, and that weighs on me. Though there are things I desparately want to do in the next year (the next MONTH), I just can't. It's a weighty thing to be responsible for another life (beyond the dog, turtles or your grown-man husband). I love it, but it's weighty.

As we get away together, I am hoping it will be a time to rest in the arms of my husband and in the arms of Jesus, and to remember that I don't have to struggle. Though there are still big questions on the horizon, I don't have to KNOW or have the answers. We'll take it a few days at a time and trust that the Lord is a good and loving Father who desires to give us good gifts. He already has, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he writes our story over the next 4 or 40 years.