Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

You probably won't know this, but I used to be a writer. Shocking, right? Ever since you began to grow in my belly, all my creative juices seem to have seeped out into the world around me. I look at all the beautiful things in the world and I want to capture them - with words, with pictures - but there isn't enough time in the day. Then I begin to think about the beautiful miracle that YOU are and I realize this is one story in my life that needs to be captured. I'm sorry it's taken me 5+ months to begin truly writing your story, but just know that your story was already being written by the Author of Life long before we knew about you.

Your daddy and I will celebrate four years of being married soon after you enter this world. It's been an amazing period in our life, and God has taught us so much and brought us so far. Someday we'll tell you about the health issues that preceeded you and how God worked on my heart from before we were married to prepare me to become a mom. He is PERFECT in his timing, let me reiterate that. All I knew before your Dad was that kids should be put off until I was much older and until after Daddy and I had had YEARS of time to ourselves, traveling and focusing on us. Can I be honest? I was terrified you'd appear sooner than I was (selfishly) ready. After years of health issues, though, I began to wonder if you'd ever arrive, and in God's infinite wisdom, he gave you to us.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, it was around 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday - the day before my birthday. I had been up about 6 times that night, anxiously wondering if I was pregnant and promising myself I would take a test when I woke up. However, since I kept waking up, I took the test ridiculously early in the morning and lo and behold - there was proof. To be honest - I was shocked. Some days I still am! I went into our bedroom and woke your dad up and said I needed to tell him something. Groggily, he asked if everything was OK and I said, "I'm pregant." Of course, since I frequently talk in my sleep (a fact I'm sure you'll be aware of someday!), your dad asked me if I was "crazy talking." I assured him I was not and that there would be a baby. He got up and went to the bathroom and came back and asked me again what I had said. When I once again told him I was pregnant, we were going to be parents, he finally realized I wasn't talking in my sleep - I was perfectly lucid - and he was going to be a dad.

We are so excited to meet you and find out whether you're going to be a little man or a little lady. (I definitely "feel" like you're all boy, but we shall see on your birthday!) I'm excited to have a name for you after we meet you, and I'm excited to begin learning all about you! There are definitely still times I struggle with picturing what life is going to look like in less than 4 months. Without knowing a gender, or a name, or a face or a personality, I wonder so much. Who are you? I know you like to dance in my belly in anticipation of me eating! You have also begun kicking my bladder - a fact I am less than thrilled about. You hopefully have my hair genes, which would explain the heartburn. What a blessing you are though - it's been a physically easy pregnancy with very little sickness (say no to Beyonce when you're older though!), and I'm so grateful you're taking it easy on me! Let's keep that trend going after you're born, mmmk?

I'm thankful you've started kicking to where Dad can feel you too, and I can't wait till you're old enough to play with your "big brother", Ben. He has no idea what's in store! If you can, get used to his barking now - you'll hear it a lot :/

I pray for you, VanderBean. I pray that you'll come to know God early in your life and avoid the heartaches of rejecting the Gospel. I pray that whether you're athletic (please choose soccer or basketball and rock at it!) or whether you're more creative, whether you're outgoing and gregarious or whether you're shy and reserved, that you would see your gifts and talents as blessings from the Lord to be used for His glory. I pray you find a Godly mate and marry early. Most of all I pray you grow up to love Jesus and take big risks for him. Your dad and I are trying to set that pattern in our life, and I hope it translates to you. Grow big (not TOO big yet) and strong, and know that your mama and daddy love you because of how Christ has loved us.

Much love,
Mama

Past, Present and Future

It's amazing when I look back and think about life a year ago. So much is different, and it all seems like a whirlwind, but a year is a long time, right?

This week last year:
-I quit at Ashford and started working for Cushman & Wakefield. It was like coming out of a fog and realizing I could enjoy work again.
-We celebrated 2.5 years of marriage and 3 years since getting engaged.
-I continued questioning our future, starting a family and setting down roots.

This week this year:
-I celebrated being at my job a year, although it wasn't official since I started with a recruiter and not directly with C&W.
-We celebrated 3.5 years of marriage yesterday and 4 years since getting engaged. Crazy how long ago that seems!
-We celebrated 3 weeks of home ownership and being 23 weeks along with our first baby. This morning we laid in bed and Adrian felt the baby clearly kicking for a while. I'm really glad to be able to share the physical effects with him,especially since this week brought lots of discussions about how my body is changing due to pregnancy.

Even though a lot of the uncertainty of last year has faded, (we've decided God has called us to Denver for the long-term, leading us to buy a house and begin our family here), as always, a whole new set of uncertainty has cropped up. What does life look like in 4 months? Will I be a good mom? I know nothing about babies. How will I cope with all the emotions? Will our house ever be settled and feel like home? Will I always struggle with discontentment about something? I KNOW the Lord is faithful and provides. Sometimes, as an emotional person, it's hard for me to feel it though, even in the face of so much evidence. I worry and I fret and wonder about the future, but try to trust God for my home, my security, my mental health and my family.

The VanderBean Chronicles

Maybe you've seen that meme (how the heck is that pronounced?!) where the girl says she doesn't feel 30. She feels 20, but then she hangs out with 20 year olds and realized she's 30. That kind of describes where I'm at right now.

I don't feel like I'm a grown-up, married, home-owning, future parent. I feel like I'm fresh out of college with a world of possibilities awaiting me. Then, I hang out with people that ARE fresh out of college with a world of possibilities and I'm reminded that I'm further from that time period than I realize - and that's OK. In fact, I kind of like it. Possibilities freak me out. When the world is your oyster and up to you to choose, there's a ton of pressure to make certain decisions or be a certain person and that stresses me out. I love the stability the Lord has built into my life, and I love our community here in Denver, our house, and the little one God is growing inside of me. Such big life things still freak me out, but I'm comforted knowing that all of these changes that are happening are doing so under God's loving guidance and not because I'm forcing them. It's kind of a miracle I got to this stage of life and now I'm trying to just enjoy the ride :)

Speaking of miracles, we saw our little VanderBean today - live and in living color! Our 20-week ultrasound (which actually fell at 21 weeks - over halfway there!) was today, and it was absolutely crazy to see AND feel our baby!

All is progressing normally and on schedule, although the tech did say the baby's arms and legs are measuring long for it's age. Shocker. Have you seen my husband?! As the tech was moving around and showing us a good strong spine and tiny little fists, I started to feel a sharp pain on my right side and asked her to see what was happening there. Sure enough, VanderBean was kicking up a storm at that moment and we caught it on the ultrasound :) It was so cool to feel something and to be able to see exactly what was happening that was causing that feeling! Once that happened, Adrian put his hand on my stomach in hopes of feeling baby moving, but the tech said it might be a couple more weeks before that happens.

With the knowledge of baby's impending arrival (still on track for mid-August) comes a sense of urgency to get everything settled in the house before little one arrives or before my body becomes completely foreign to me. Call it nesting, call it obsession with our home, but either way - we realized this weekend there is definitely a limit to how much I can and should do right now. I'm trying to find the balance of being productive, but also resting in the Lord's provision and knowing that he provided the house and he will make it a home - whether or not it's painted the way I want or if the furniture is exactly where I want it to be.

A Relocated VanderHouse :)

Well - we have been home owners for exactly a week now!! A lot has happened since I last blogged, but I want to - in the essence of documentation - share a little of the process.

The house, right before it became ours!

The week leading up to closing was a bit of a nightmare. We had been surprised at how smoothly everything had gone up until that point, and Tuesday night (scheduled to close the following Wednesday), everything fell apart. I won't go into all the details, but multiple times, we were ready to walk away. To say it was a loooong week would be an understatement. Each hour between Tuesday night and closing crawled by and was filled with doubts of whether or not we'd actually make it to closing, or whether we should just walk away and call it a learning experience.

Between Tuesday and Friday, we closed the door on the house (figuratively, obviously, since we didn't own it) several times, and I prepared myself to walk away. I was so thankful for all the Lord had taught us about faith and trusting him through the process, but it seemed like it was a definite "no" for the first time, and I had been praying God would make it clearly a yes or no.

The weekend before our scheduled closing was an emotional roller coaster. I wanted to get off the ride and throw up. I wanted to walk away because I was pissed. I wanted to hang on because I loved the house. I wanted to prove a point that "Mama didn't raise no fool," and yet I felt torn because we believed we weren't being foolish, instead relying on God's leading and provision for THIS house. After talking about it and praying about it (it sounds trite, maybe, but it was very much something we needed to pray about), we decided to tentatively move forward and somehow come up with what we needed to get the house. If God had called us to this house 5 weeks prior, had that changed? No, it hadn't. The new circumstances hadn't caught God by surprise, so we moved forward.

Benny is LOVING his new backyard :)

Once again the Lord provided, this time in a very tangible way through our church family. We were mightily provided for, in order that we might see and recognize God's faithfulness and goodness. I can't even begin to tell you what that has done to our hearts. One night, we sat and cried and prayed with friends. We thanked God for his incredible care and for our church family that cared for us as Jesus does. In a very real way, we experienced God's hand working through the situation and we are so immensely, immensely grateful. To those who prayed and provided (you know who you are), we love you so much and praise God for you. Thank you for demonstrating God's faithfulness through your sacrifices.

Fast forward to Thursday, and although it was a day late (and several dollars shorter!), we walked into an office, signed some papers, met the amazing Mortgage Mike and walked out as homeowners. It was surreal. Adrian had been packing a moving truck ALL DAY with a friend and when we got back to our apartment, we found there had been others who had volunteered to come keep packing while we closed. I drove my car to our new house and was met by friends who had come to help us unload everything into the house. By the time Adrian and his mom showed up with the truck - we had a porchful of friends waiting to get everything moved in. All told, there were around 15 people who gave time and energy to help this pregnant lady and her exhausted husband start a new chapter by moving all our worldly possessions. We are SO blessed by you, friends.

Sunset out the front window Wednesday night

I cannot begin to tell you how humbled, and awestruck, and thankful, and excited we are by all God has done in the last week and a half in our lives through our church and friends. It has been a long and (still) exhausting week of trying to unpack and settle in and get life organized, but I have every confidence that the Lord who cares enough to give us a house will care enough to make it a home :)