So Long, Sweet Splash

I'm so sad to share that my sweet little Splasher Dasher passed away this evening. I've had her more than eight years. She's been with me the longest of my little family. Before Selah, before Adrian, before Ben....there was Splash.

As I looked for photos of her, it allowed me to reflect on what a full life she's had - especially for a turtle!

Spring of my junior year, my friend Jason took me canoeing during a fraternity party called Splash. While we floated the river, I decided I wanted a turtle and I grabbed a baby one off a log - enter Splash. I knew nothing of caring for a turtle, figuring out what sex it was or even what breed. That day began a new adventure for me - turtle husbandry.

She lived in my dorm room closet for a year and a half - successfully, hiding from the RAs during room checks and surviving in a rubbermaid tub. After graduation, she got a (boy)friend and a lovely real tank. She was living the high life.

Things got busy though, moves happened, and Splash went with me through it all. From Jackson, TN to Maryville; from Wake Forest, NC to Denver. She always went with me in her trusty bucket. She was quite the escape artist. Some days I'd come home from work to find her having launched herself from her tank to the floor to play with the dog. On the move to Denver, she climbed out of the trusty bucket and up the screened-in porch of my aunt's house. Later that same day, she again escaped from the bucket and waited for us underneath the car that would take her to Denver.

She set up shop in Denver in the living room where she could watch the snow fall on the train tracks. When we bought a house, she and Scooter got a room of their own, full of sunshine. Out of the two turtles, Splash (who was wild-caught) never could catch a minnow to eat, but always chased them as if to make friends. Make friends she did. She has always been willing to stick her neck out and greet people, to eat from our fingers and to live in our dining room so I could nurse her to health.

A few months back, she had a bacterial infection that required me to give her oral medication twice daily. Although she didn't love it, she's the only turtle I know of who would let me open her mouth. I thought she was back to herself months ago after the vet gave her a clean bill of health, so when Adrian came home tonight to find her gone, it was unexpevted. No excited swimming, no nibbling from our hand.

Splash was full of personality. She was a turtle yes, a pet, but a family member. We both are seriously going to miss her, but I'm so thankful I had her with me for the last 8 years. I'm glad I grabbed her off that log, glad I didn't let her go into the wild like people suggested, glad she was my turty friend.

Splashy, you will be so missed.

Cookie Butter and Survival

There's a difference between knowing something and KNOWING something, amiright? Like, knowing cocoa cookie butter is bad for my figure and KNOWING it is after eating two jars and stepping on the scale. Obviously we're talking hypothetically here.

Before Seh was born, I knew I'd have rough days as a mom. Tonight, I KNOW rough days as a mom are a reality, but it doesn't make the feelings any less shocking. It's just been one of those days. Some days I feel like I'm kicking butt and rocking this stay-at-home mom gig. Those are the days when I shower and brush my teeth before 5; when we get dressed up cute and hang out with people or Selah charms the Chick-Fil-A employees; when I make money for our family instead of just spend it. Those days I feel like I'm making wise choices, raising an amazing little girl and really figuring life out.

Today was not one of those days. It was one of THOSE days. The days where I look back and think, "What did I do productive today? Why don't I have anything to show for my day?" Even worse, I'm thinking, "How did things regress so far in a day?" (Things just autocorrected to thighs. Yes, yes those regressed too, today, thank you cookie butter.) It was one of those days where I truly felt like I was just trying to survive until the end of the night. That's a sucky feeling.

My normally happy-go-lucky little was a little whiny headache today. She pitched fits when I held her, didn't hold her, fed her, didn't feed her, looked at her, didn't look at her...you get the idea. Then, she pitched fits because she banged her head pitching a fit. The one comical thing was that by about 5 o'clock she learned to pitch her fits somewhere where there was a soft spot for her head - on a blanket in the basement, against the back of the couch... There was very little time spent smiling and playing and entirely too much spent screaming and throwing her head back. There was also entirely too much time spent researching car seats (that don't fit) and anniversary spots (that don't work), for me to feel good about how my time has been spent. 

#firstworldproblems and #peoplewouldkillformylife

Yes, I know. And yet, it doesn't make the discouragement from having "one of those days" any less. Why is that? Is it because I place my value and identity on shaky foundations? How cute my daughter is, how well she behaves, how clever I am, how perfect I orchestrate things? Is it because I lose sight of who I am in Christ and the hope that he's called me to? I'm finding it far too easy to skate along on my parenting skills, my accomplishments, my wisdom. Today was a good reminder that those things don't count for crap. All that I can count on are God's perfect parenting example, Christ's accomplishments for us on the cross and the Holy Spirit's wisdom which he graciously imparts to me. 

Life is hard work. I was going to say parenting is hard work (and it is), but truly, life in every stage is difficult. Regardless of having kids, not having kids, having a spouse, not having a spouse, having a tough job, not having any job....there are ALWAYS "those days." The sooner I'm able to see that as a product of our fallen world, and less an indictment on myself, the sooner I can look to Christ for satisfaction and identity and not to my accomplishments, the better "those days" will become...and the better my thighs will fare!

A Year of Joy

Sometimes, in the middle of big life events, you feel the time pass second by second. It drags on and on and on, as if you were aware of the passage of every single second.

This is not one of those life events.

Engagement - six months, passed at a normal rate of speed. Pregnancy - nine months, passed at the speed of a snail. Selah's first year of life - twelve months, passed at supersonic speed.

I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that a year ago, I was pushing and sweating and thinking I was about to meet my son. We chose not to find out gender beforehand, but I was SO SURE that when Adrian laid the baby on my chest, he would tell me, "It's a boy!" How wrong I was. How wrong, and how totally unprepared for the blessing of a baby girl.

After waffling back and forth for a day, trying to decide on a name, we named our tiny, skinny, long little lady Selah Grace. Literally, "Pause and reflect on God's grace." In the midst of the hospital busyness, the hectic-ness of trying to coordinate information and plans and details with everyone, the chaos of life with a newborn that became our new norm - we chose to pause and reflect on God's grace.

In the months since, life has only become more busy. There is Selah's schedule; there is A's work schedule; there is my "schedule" which is usually dependent upon the other two; there is the schedule of our commitments to jobs, church, family, friends. Far too often, Selah's name has become just that - a name, void of the richness of its meaning. So today, on Selah's 1st birthday, I want to intentionally pause and reflect on God's graces to us over the last year in our daughter.

Aside from the obvious beauty that she possesses (apparently we grow 'em big AND beautiful), Selah  has a beautiful spirit. She is funny, kind, generous and so friendly. Not a day passes that she doesn't gift us with a wave and a smile, a wide-open toothy kiss, just because. She has begun "social laughter" anytime someone else laughs. Although it's adorable, it's her belly laughs when she sees Benny or when Adrian chases her or when I surprise her by doing something weird, that are truly wonderful.

Selah has such a generous spirit, a gift that reminds me daily of how generous God the Father is to us. She loves to share her snacks with Ben (much to my chagrin) and if we ask, she will usually share her toys with us. She gives kisses freely and smiles with ease. This friendliness is one quality of hers that terrifies me, but that I absolutely love. Whenever we're in public, she is the first to wave and small and chatter to complete strangers in what I call the "the ministry of baby." I know she brightens people's days just by her sweet smile and friendly spirit. It scares the crap out of me. What if someone takes advantage of her friendliness? Will her innocence and openness with everyone be cause for heartache when she is rejected someday? I so long to protect her from the harsh realities and evil of the world, but I know I cannot.

Each night when we pray for her, we ask the Lord to protect her, not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. We pray that God is her strength and her refuge when her kindness and others' harshness causes her pain. As she grows, we ask the Lord to always give her that sweet, caring, sunny spirit that she possesses and to use it for the Gospel. Most of all, we beg the Lord to draw her close to Him at an early age, and to be her perfect Father all her life.

We are so, so, so, so, so grateful that we get to be Daddy and Mama to this precious blessing. I was terrified to become a mom, and God has been exceedingly gracious in letting me be mom to this one. She has made this parenting journey an absolute joy. Because she reflects Jesus (without even knowing it), she is a joy - our beautiful, kind-hearted, sweet, funny one-year old. My heart is full.

Return to Regularly Scheduled Programming

For those of you who like to read about things other than babies on blogs - hang tight. We will return to our regularly scheduled programming after today's post about my girl's 1st birthday.

I can't promise I won't ever post about her - it's my life, after all, but there will be a return to topics other than if she rolled or walked or puked this month :)

Thanks for bearing with me over the last year!