Birthday Rant

So, today is my birthday. I don't know what the next 12 hours will look like, but the first 10 have not been super.

Our normally-great-sleeper Selah woke up 3 times before 6 am. When she wakes up and I have to go in and re swaddle or whatever, I don't fall back asleep easily. Last night, this problem was compounded by the fact that my idiot psychotic dog (who yesterday consumed an entire bag of trash filled with raw chicken containers, raw beef containers, zucchini casserole, moldy bread buns, dirty diapers, rotten asparagus and 1,000 paper towels), spent the entire night farting so much that our room still reeks of him, hours after he's been out. It's hard to go to sleep with that stench in your nostrils.

Speaking of Ben, he is currently in the backyard going nuts at a squirrel, where he has been barking shrilly for the last 30 minutes. Some times I cannot stand him.

After I finally fell back asleep with Selah cuddled up next to me, I woke up to a nightmare that I was forced to go back to work today with the baby, got in a fight with my boss and slapped her. In a battle of alarm clock vs. nightmare to wake to on your birthday - alarm clock wins.

So, while I wanted to do something inspiring and uplifting on the blog for my birthday (30 by 30?), I really just needed to vent and say "29, so far you suck."

On Quitting

So, I quit my job last week.

For those of you who know us and our life lately, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. When we found out we were pregnant, we began discussing life after baby and what it would look like. We knew I’d likely be going back into the workforce after my maternity leave, at least for a little while, but were praying God would open a door for Adrian to have a FT position so it would be a seamless transition to me staying home.

Well, it has not been seamless. A couple weeks before Selah was born, things at the office started to get really weird and crappy. Disciplinary action, threats of being fired, hostile attitudes from people I had been close with…all very disconcerting. So while I was out on my leave, I knew I just wanted to be done with it all. Adrian reminded me time and time again that my first response when things get hard is ALWAYS flight. I am not a fighter. I avoid conflict like the plague and try and run at the first chance I get. So when my maternity leave ended, there was much weeping and fighting and gnashing of teeth. I did NOT want to go back.

But, go back I did and things had not improved. There was still much reticence on my part to be there and much hostility on their part that I was there. The only thing that had changed was finding out that I would need surgery ASAP. So, we booked my surgery for October 30 and during those 5 weeks I was back at work, I tried to work well and love people well. It wasn’t easy, but I finally hit a point when it clicked that I wasn’t going to get the approval of my bosses, and I didn’t care. I wanted to do a good job for them, but it shouldn’t wreck my day when they didn’t speak to me at all. The only approval I should be seeking was the Lord’s, and when I knew I was providing for my family and trying to model Christ at the office, it was suddenly OK to be there.

Right before my surgery, Adrian and I spent a great deal of time praying and talking about the future. I would have 4 weeks to recover and afterwards, we decided I would turn in my two-weeks notice, regardless of whether or not Adrian had a FT job. We believed that in the current state of things, I wasn’t able to do the things God had called me to because of my stress about the job. It was Ashford all over again – tears all the time. We weren’t even close to thriving as a family – merely surviving. We decided together that me quitting would be a step of faith and a way to begin to reverse engineer our lives so we could all thrive and not just survive.

As my surgery leave drew to a close, the Lord began to orchestrate things to work out even better than we anticipated. It hasn’t been rosy or easy, stepping out and leaving the workforce and a full-time income. It hasn’t been a cause and effect of, “If I quit, God will give Adrian a job.” The beautiful thing is though, it’s OK. We’re finally at a place we believe God has called us to be. I’ve been home with Seh for a week and a half now and it’s not easy, but it’s SO GOOD.

We’ve been able to have people over for discipleship, host 23 people for Thanksgiving, get the house feeling like a home and spend a lot of time together as a family. Everything may change drastically in the coming months, and I’m trying to truly cherish this time we have together, even though it’s uncertain and often unstructured.

One thing I’m working on as I develop a routine and life outside of the structured workforce is building my own business. I know every mom with a camera fancies herself a photographer, but I’m trying to begin gaining experience again so that I can someday charge and help provide for our family in that way. So, that said, I did a photo shoot with our good friends the Turneys recently and would love for you to take a look and give me any feedback! Better yet, if you like it at all, I’d love to do a FREE photo shoot for you! Again, just trying to build a portfolio again. Take a gander over at www.SelahVPhotography.wordpress.com (the name came before the baby!) and let me know if I can do any shots for y’all!

Three Months and Counting

Our baby girl is three month old today. I feel like it was literally two days go that I was marveling at the fact that she was already one month, two months, and now another month bites the dust? It's crazy. Can't say I like it.

She started sleeping through the night (by my standards, which means 9 hours) the week I went back to work, so when she was 7 weeks old. Adrian had gotten really sick, so I had to take a day off on my 4th day back, which meant that I was in charge of Selah from Friday to Sunday the whole time. Miracle of miracles, it seems I somehow stumbled on a formula that seems to work. She takes her last bottle between 10:30-10:40, and then she was asleep by 11:56 and didn't wake up until 8:52 the next morning. I was ecstatic.

Her sleep pattern has continued and the last few nights has been lengthening! She has nursed a little at 9:30, taken a smaller bottle at 10:30, asleep by 11:30 and doesn't wake up till 10 or 10:30. To say we are grateful for how awesome she is doing with sleeping is an understatement. She's amazing, especially for sleeping 11 hours at 3 months old! Now, if I could just be in bed right after her, we'd be on to something.

In addition to the new sleep pattern, she has also developed a new vocal range. Girlfriend can squeal. The last month she began cooing and making all kinds of sweet gurgling sounds when she's happy, which is pretty darn frequently. The last few days though, she has begun to sound like a pterodactyl every time she is awake. Seriously, squawking the likes of which I've never heard! She lays on her back and squawks and squeals and just learns all about the sounds she can make. It's obvious she's pretty proud of herself because she'll do it when she's all alone and then I catch her smiling really big about it.

Selah is also developing a lot more body control, and its hard to remember how floppy and smooshy she was as a newborn. She's reaching for toys on her mobile, she grasps fingers for a long time and she can sit up with just some light support to keep her from falling over. Pretty soon she'll be rolling over (doesn't hate her tummy time, but doesn't prefer it) and sitting herself up. Although I look forward to when she can sit up on her own, I know it will be more one milestone of growth and I won't be ready for her to be growing up so quickly! Additionally, she has discovered that her hands are great fun. She waves her fists in the air, but more often, tries to shove them whole into her mouth. It's amazing and a little scary how close she is to accomplishing that! She's drooling a lot and combined with the preoccupation of her hands in her mouth, I'm wondering if she'll be teething early.

Later this month she'll get to experience Harry Potter for the first time when we do our annual Thanksgiving marathon, though hopefully she'll be in bed for most of it. She already loves watching sports, especially football and basketball, on TV with us, so we think she's gearing up to beat us both in Fantasy Football at some point.

I am so, so, so, so excited for the holidays with her. I can't wait to see her reaction to a Christmas tree, all the lights and the fun of ripping wrapping paper (Ben will show her how it's done)! So, without further ado, here is her 3-month photo!

Traditions

I might become one of those people I scoffed at. One of those people who begins decorating and celebrating Christmas before Thanksgiving has come and gone. Oh, the bittersweet irony.

In the past, I was always adamant that each holiday had it’s time, and not to rush Christmas. Trees were for putting up AFTER Thanksgiving, carols were to be sung in December (although January 1^st was acceptable) and gifts were to be bought Christmas Eve. You know – all the same rules everyone holds to, right?

This year though, with a baby girl in tow and a beautiful home of our own to decorate, the itch for Christmas is hitting MUCH earlier than ever before. So much so, that as I’ve been laid up in bed this week, I have been all over Pinterest like spit-up on a newborn, i.e., a lot. Visions of craft days with Selah fill my head.

And yet, I’m already cautioning myself against burnout. Maybe it’s from not feeling 100% lately, but I’m already a little weary and nothing but anticipation has begun! It’s been blogged to death, but Pinterest really can set some ridiculously high expectations, especially this time of year. So as I’m thinking through things I want to do and establish, I want to be mindful of making wise choices on how we spend our money, time and energy. One thing I’ve kind of prided myself on is establishing intentional traditions for our family and making intentional memories, not just during Christmas, but throughout the year.

We always buy a coffee mug from big trips or places we’ve lived. We started a family-portrait-in-front-of-a-cornfield tradition this year. (Now) We always take a picture on our anniversary, holding a picture from our last anniversary (and we always take a trip on our anniversary). We always make several pots of various soups and have a Harry Potter marathon the whole week of Thanksgiving (one of our favorite traditions!!). I’m going to start a new tradition this year for Christmas for Adrian, to remind him he’s my first priority. So my question is this: What traditions do you recommend?

Obviously there are some big gaping holes in our traditions. Journalist that I am, I like to commemorate with words and pictures. I need some traditions to just ENJOY. We need some traditions to focus us on Jesus and not on ourselves. We also need some Christmas traditions – a meal to bake, an ornament to make, a picture to take…you get the idea. So, friends – hit me with your best shot. Fire away.

What traditions have you found especially meaningful for your family or yourself? What traditions help you draw close to Jesus? What traditions are just great memories from Christmas or whenever that we should consider implementing? Ready….GO.

Pensieve

If I only could get to Hogwarts, I'd take advantage of the pensieve and relieve myself of the thoughts and memories swirling around in my head. However, I don't see that as a likelihood, so my blog will have to function in that role.

It's been a couple months of mental treadmill time. So many things going on, questions being asked, emotional battles being fought and beliefs being hashed out. It's been a period of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows for me. I didn't believe the people who said I'd absolutely love being a mom. Why would I? I'm not super maternal and I had zero experience with babies. I had no idea how much I would love it. I also didn't fathom how much it would stretch my faith and me to return to the workforce only 7 weeks after Seh being born. Since her birth, it has been a time of rapid change in our lives, and though we knew it was coming, I confess it's been much harder than I expected for me. The uncertainty has left me reeling, and struggling against God and wondering what the future holds.

Today is our 4-year anniversary. Like we do every year, we're taking a weekend vacation to celebrate and re-connect. On the one hand - I'm a little scared. Leaving my little munchkin all weekend is not the most appealing thing, but on the other hand - an entire weekend away to sleep and keep clothes free of baby bodily fluids? Awesome. And yet - it's bittersweet to move forward into our 5th year of marriage. It's been a wonderful season of life, but the winds they are a changing and bringing a new season with them. In the last year, we bought a house and had a baby. Those are big changes to carry us into year 5. Now we have big questions about how to pay our mortgage and save for Selah. No longer can we be as carefree with our decisions, and that weighs on me. Though there are things I desparately want to do in the next year (the next MONTH), I just can't. It's a weighty thing to be responsible for another life (beyond the dog, turtles or your grown-man husband). I love it, but it's weighty.

As we get away together, I am hoping it will be a time to rest in the arms of my husband and in the arms of Jesus, and to remember that I don't have to struggle. Though there are still big questions on the horizon, I don't have to KNOW or have the answers. We'll take it a few days at a time and trust that the Lord is a good and loving Father who desires to give us good gifts. He already has, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he writes our story over the next 4 or 40 years.

VanderBean's Debut

Tomorrow, my sweet baby turns 6 weeks old. Time has alternately crawled and flown by, and I am beginning to fully understand the phrase, "The days are long but the years are short." I don't know about years, but the last 6 weeks have flown by.

Next week, I'll start back to work - a fact that I am alternately terrified by and (somewhat) looking forward to. I'm looking forward to having more than an hour and a half block to not focus on all things baby. I am terrified for obvious reasons - what mother is ever ready to leave her newborn all day long, even if she knows the baby is in the FULLY capable hands of Jesus and Adrian?

Before I look ahead too much - let me look back and share the store of VanderBean's birth, for those who want to know. If you don't want to know - skip down. There are pictures at the end :)

Six weeks ago today, I woke up at 5:45 in the morning with contractions. Due to slightly elevated blood pressure and some protein in my urine at my regular Friday appointment, we were scheduled to go back to the doctor's office that morning for a follow-up. She believed I had preeclampsia and had wanted to induce on Friday. I said, "No thanks - we'll take it easy and wait and see." I wasn't even due for another week. So, when I woke up with regular contractions on Monday morning, I was confident we had made the right decision to wait and not get induced. After telling the nurse I was having regular contractions (about 6 minutes apart by the time we got to the doctor), they still hooked me up to monitors for an hour and a half to keep track of the baby's heartbeat, my blood pressure and fetal movements.

When the doctor finally (FINALLY) examined me, she found I was 5 centimeters dilated and to the hospital I was ordered to go! Do not go home, do not pass go...that kind of thing. Seriously? I could have told you it was time for the hospital. Anyways. We went home to gather our things (against doc's orders), but I was a little panicked and refused to go get food - for myself or Adrian. I was starving. He was starving...it was a bit of a hangry labor.

After checking into the hospital, our dear friend Melissa brought A a sub and then later, our friends Andy and Angela brought us some Chick-Fil-A. Mine went into the fridge for after the labor and Adrian happily ate his :/ Advice #1 to future mothers - EAT BEFORE YOU GO. I know they say not to, but I fully believe I would have felt MUCH better if I just had some food in my belly. As it was, we had to keep my mind off my hunger by watching episodes of the Office and starting Bananagrams.

Advice #2 to future mothers - If you're getting an epidural, make sure to get it as soon as you think you want it. After being in labor in the hospital for about 7-8 hours, I was ready. However, they wanted to check my cervix one more time before (I was at 8 cm dilated), and while doing that, they broke my water. After that, the contractions got AWFUL. It was seriously painful and kudos to women who go all natural. No way I could do that. For about an hour and a half, I labored really painfully between when my water was broken and when the epidural took effect. And then it was time to push. Our nurse asked in the middle of the pushing if I was ready to do it all again (pregnancy, labor) and honestly, apart from that hour and a half, I did not mind labor and delivery at all. Seriously. Some women have horror stories and I am so thankful mine wasn't one of those. What a blessing.

From 9:45 to midnight that Monday night, I pushed, and Adrian was there coaching me the whole time. Seriously, the best birth coach I could have asked for!! As we neared midnight, I was hoping the baby would make his/her appearance. Not sure why I wanted that, but I did. Anyways, a few minutes after 12:00, a contraction hit, I pushed, and most of the baby came on out. The doctor was in the hall at that point, so the nurse went running out to grab her, leaving just Adrian and I there to try and keep that baby from hitting the floor! Not really, but close. I could actually still feel the legs inside me kicking (what a weird sensation), so he wasn't about to actually deliver the baby, but it was a little close! After the doctor delivered the baby, she let Adrian announce the gender.

When he said, "We have a little girl," I asked, "Seriously?!" I thought he was joking; I had been so sure it was a boy!! I was wrong :)

We had two girl names picked out, but when we saw the size of her hands and feet, and learned she was in the 98th percentile for height, we got a little worried about our name options. Did we want to go with Elliot (Elle or Ellie) - a name that, though it holds great meaning, is a boy's name? Or did we want to go with Remy, which rhymes with Remy the Hemi? No thanks. We needed something feminine, in case she follows in her dad's footsteps and is not small and dainty? (PS - there are apparently baby size predictors, based off mom and dad's height. According to that - she'll be 5'11''.)

After a day to think about it and rest up, we eventually settled on the name Selah Grace for our new daughter. It's a word in the Psalms that is believed to mean "Pause and reflect," so her name literally means to pause and reflect on grace, as God has gifted us with SO MUCH. So, with that said, here are a few photos to pause and reflect on! Hate to cut this short, but she's a wee bit fussy and hungry sitting beside me at Starbucks as I type this :) So enjoy and welcome to the world, Selah!! We are SO GLAD you're here and that you're ours.

It's the Final Countdown

More time has elapsed since my last post than will likely elapse until our baby is born.

What?! That's crazy. Seriously. Still having trouble wrapping my mind around all the changes that are coming in a few short weeks. Although we are now within a month of the due date, I'm starting to think we could meet this little VanderBean sooner than expected. At my appointment on Tuesday, I was told I'm measuring about a week and a half ahead of schedule, so we could either have a giant baby (wouldn't surprise me) or our weekends of sleeping till 11 could be seriously numbered.

It's the final countdown - no doubt about that. So much has happened in the last few weeks, and yet, so much more to come...

- Adrian and I celebrated a "babymoon" with a weekend in Beaver Creek, CO at the end of June. Although we had a good time, bad customer service, combined with a fire in our room and a 6 am evacuation for a different fire, made the trip slightly less than 100% relaxing.

- July 4th was spent with a cookout at City Park with friends, an adorable little po-dunk parade a few blocks from the house, The Lone Ranger at the theater, surf and turf dinner on our front porch amid 5 fireworks shows we could see and sparklers in the street with our dear friends the Turneys. Even though it looked vastly different (and more pregnant) than last year's celebrations - both have been great! No tubing or biking to watch fireworks in 2013, but we still had a wonderful time. Also - I had a prenatal massage the day before and it was glorious. SOOOOO nice and needed!

- Friends from church threw us an amazing baby shower. We were SO blessed to have around 30 people come celebrate VanderBean and gift us with some serious swag!! It was so nice to have A's mom and aunt in town that weekend to help sort through and organize all the gifts too. The following week, the girls at work threw a shower for me and another recent mama, and it was also a sweet time with those ladies! Potluck lunch and baby gifts - how fun!

- We had a friend from church living with us for a month or so, as she prepared for her wedding to another friend from church. We celebrated with them this past Saturday as they married amid the sounds of a parade and block party across the street :)

- Adrian went to his parents' house for a week to enjoy some R&R from work and help his parents with projects around the house. He returned with a TRUCKLOAD of goodies - yard equipment, tools, a cute little storage bench...I'm excited to see how it helps the house come together!

- Ben is finally settling in. After months of craziness, when he and A returned from WY, he was back to his sweet self. We seem to have a routine now that suits him (basically, bribes of lots of treats!), but thankfully, he's a pleasure to have around again! We think he may have been picking up on our feelings of being unsettled, but we're all doing good now :)

- A couple of weekends ago we were all about Craigslist! We had multiple little dates to cute surrounding towns to pick up a glider and some lawn furniture. We combined those excursions with paddle-boating, pizza, and fro-yo. And then enjoying lots of sitting in our new, comfy pieces.

After a months of fun-days, what is there left to look forward to before the baby comes?

- Birthing class this weekend. Hopefully this helps me understand when I should call the doctor and go to the hospital! Still a little fuzzy on those details...
- Going to Golden to sit in the creek and enjoy some water and pizza at Woody's!
- Getting the nursery painted soon, hopefully!! We need to put it all together still.
- Ordering the last few things for the baby. Although we've been given so much and I've been able to bargain hunt for the rest of the baby stuff, there are still a few key pieces missing. So, on the agenda for the next week or so is getting the car-seat and crib mattress! You know - minor things. Who needs a car seat? ;)
- Enjoying the last few weeks of time with just Adrian and I. We've been trying to sleep a lot, watch a lot of movies, enjoy dinners out and just have fun together. Sadly, so many people act like this baby coming will change everything for the negative. "You'll never go to a movie again." "Eat dinner out now, because you won't be able to once the baby is here." To some extent, I understand the truth in their statements. A baby changes everything. I get that. Just because something changes though doesn't mean it ends. Life won't be over, date nights won't be over, fun won't be over just because a baby comes. We'll have to be strategic and plan ahead more, but we're both determined to look at the changes this baby will bring as a joyous blessing and not an inconvenience to our life.

Am I way off or being totally naive? If I am being naive, maybe don't tell me :) Let me enjoy the last few weeks of ignorance in bliss!

Say No to Cheap Hair Cuts

(or Why Not to Visit a Beauty School While Pregnant)

Since it's now been exactly two weeks since I skipped my lunch break so I could enjoy a nice afternoon at the Aveda Institute of Denver, I feel justified in posting about my frustrations.

Two Tuesdays ago, I structured my day so I could go spend a relaxing hour and a half at the Aveda Institute a couple blocks away from my office for a much-needed haircut. The last time (and only time) I got my hair cut here in Denver, I found a Groupon for a $19 haircut at an Aveda salon. Due to a fussy customer (not me) my stylist got switched at the last moment. No matter - I loved my stylist and ended up somehow not actually getting charged! It was a great experience.

So, this year, when it came time for my once-yearly haircut (newlyweds - don't let that be your story. Get your hair cut more than 1x a year), I booked a time at the Aveda Institute. The hip girls there would surely be able to give me something fresh and fun for summer/motherhood/a change, right? Wrong. So, here are my reasons why, if you are pregnant, you should definitely not go to the Aveda Institute. Just fork up another $15-$20 bucks and go to a licensed stylist.

1) They tell you your appointment will take an hour and a 15 minutes. When you arrive, they tell you it may be closer to and hour and a half. What they don't tell you is 2.5 hours after your scheduled appointment time you will be finally walking out the door. This is unfortunate for pregnant women because A) We can't get comfortable in any position for more than 15 minutes, much less sit in a salon chair for TWO AND A HALF HOURS with no ability to shift positions, walk around, put our feet up, etc. It's a huge, numb butt waiting to happen. Ask me how I know.
2) This particular institute is also not conducive to pregnant women or anyone with small bladders because the bathroom is on an entirely different floor! I mean, I understand not having one super convenient, but in the basement requiring a five-minute walk? Pregnant or not - if you have a bladder you're SOL if you happen to need to pee at any point during your 2.5 hour hair ordeal (especially after drinking the proffered tea or water!!). Bladders - beware. Ask me how I know.
3) I get it - it's a school. I don't expect perfection, or to feel like a bombshell when I leave, but seriously? This was not a good hair cut by any stretch of the imagination. My sweet little stylist who shall remain nameless - When I ask for no hair to be too short to go behind my ears, I actually mean that. I DON'T mean long, awkward, choppy "bangs" that will take AT LEAST 2+ weeks to grow long enough to tuck behind my ears (ask me how I know.) And when I say I don't want bangs, I just want some layers that will fall around my face, I also mean I don't want bangs. And when I ask for a straight cut around the bottom without layers, it would be really nice if I didn't have to go home and cut my hair because there are random clumps that are longer than the rest....This is especially unfortunate for pregnant women because we often don't feel beautiful at this stage of the game. We feel frumpy and bloated and unsure in our bodies. Personally, I don't feel like Heidi Klum needing a trim. I feel more like Elizabeth Banks' character in "What To Expect" when she says she doesn't have a glow. So, to spend 2.5 hours getting an ugly haircut that looks like a little boy who was attacked by mama's scissors is a liiiiiitle disheartening. I mean, I appreciate the scalp massage, but if I have to wear my hair pinned a certain way for at least two weeks so I don't cry at the shortness or choppiness of it - there might be a hair issue (or a self esteem issue, but that's neither here nor there).

So there you have it: My Top 3 Reasons to Say No To Cheap Hair Cuts (Especially While Pregnant).

1) Numb butt
2) Bladder abuse
3) Ugly confirmations

Now, I'm in that awkward waiting-till-it-grows-out-enough-to-go-to-a-real-stylist-to-fix-it phase. Any of my Denver friends have recommendations? I wish I learned my lesson buuuuuut....since I already spent money on this hair cut - a good deal is even better. Anyone?

First Mother's Day

As difficult as it is for me to comprehend - everyone keeps telling me we're parents now. I'm a mother already, even if I've only held my baby in my belly and in my heart and not my arms.

I realize Mother's Day can be a touchy subject for many, as it brings up pains and regrets over children lost or children never realized. I've never made much of a big deal about it, because I understand that for some people, for whatever reason, it's not a day of celebration but of mourning. For others of us, both expecting via biological birth and by adoption, it's a weird day because the world is divided on whether or not we ARE mothers at this stage of the game. Just because we haven't held our babies yet, does it mean we're any less emotionally invested than those who have? And for those who have lost children, either before birth or after, does the absence of a physical body mean you're no longer a mom?

So as I went about my day yesterday, it was interesting to observe Mother's Day from this "middle ground." It was interesting to see who wished me a happy Mother's Day as an obviously-expectant mom. Thank you to the myriad of friends, neighbors, coworkers, strangers and in-laws who did :) It was much appreciated.

It was also interesting to see how many people on Facebook mentioned Mother's Day. As I've gotten older and more of my friends have become moms or dads, the amount of people mentioning mother's day or changing their profile picture to a picture of them and their moms was amazing. TONS. Made me realize if I lost a child or no one recongized me as a mom, I'd want to hide in a dark hole with no Facebook for the whole weekend, which would be a shame since the weather here was SO lovely.

Speaking of lovely weather - my husband took full advantage of it for us as he helped me celebrate my first Mother's Day. I woke up (OK - so he woke me up) around 11:15 to a breakfast in the backyard, lovingly prepared by Snooze - my favorite brunch place in Denver! Two kinds of eggs benedict and some kind of delicious chocolately pancakes! Yum. He brought home a lovely vase of yellow flowers and tried to buy me a hammock because I LOVE them and our yard is begging for one, but that didn't work out as they weren't in-store. After church we grabbed burgers and ate in the backyard again under the pergola with the Christmas lights on. All in all - it was a nice time of celebrating Vanderbean making me a mom, but more than that, celebrating the blessings God has given us in each other, our home and the wee one bouncing up a storm in my belly.

Pancakes with flowers on them. So delish. And pretty. And eco-friendly.

Lovely flowers from my main squeeze. Finally - fresh flowers in my house!

Our yummy brunch, complete with a nosy dog who wanted to celebrate, umm...eat, with us.

 Somewhere in the middle of all that, we squeezed in a trip to the Dollar Store (romantic, right? He had to pick up supplies for church). I sat in the car and watched a bazillion people come in and out of Dollar General and marveled. Not only were there a ton of people for a Sunday, but Mother's Day at the Dollar General? And the women going in and out were dressed to the nines, carrying flowers and wishing everyone a happy Mother's Day - including the teenager smoking pot on the sidewalk :) It was a very jolly atmosphere outside (Adrian said inside everyone was unhappy about the registers - apparently Dollar General didn't expect it to be a high-traffic day either).

So, if you are, ever were or ever plan to be a mother - I hope it was a happy Mother's Day for you. For the ways you alter your life to raise a the next generation - whether it be through parenting or spiritual parenting and discipling - thank you. You have been and are a blessing and hopefully because of you, we worship the One who perfectly parents.

Thoughts on Dating for My Single Friends

When I was dating Adrian, I had a fantastic mentor who never denied me her wisdom and insight on dating and marriage. She was an immeasurable blessing to me during that time of trying to figure out my relationship with this guy, my relationship with the Lord and how all the facets of each worked together. After Adrian and I broke up, she was the one woman who would let me vent to her and cry to her - at her house, at the football field, in the line at Chick-Fil-A (you get the idea. It wasn't pretty). I'm sure she did grow weary of hearing the same struggles of my heart over and over again, but she never denied me time or counsel. Heather, I cannot express how thankful I am for you.

She once told me that it was an odd stage of life to be in - to have been married for years, with children and yet to be counseling young people on dating. Strangely enough, less than five years later I find myself in a similar place, except this time young men and women come to Adrian and I for wisdom. More and more frequently, I find myself having talking to a friend about dating. Since we're one of the "old married couples," I've found myself studying dating again with the hopes that somehow, we can express some truths to our single and searching friends - namely, that the Gospel changes EVERYTHING - especially dating.

Though we did not date perfectly or well by any means, and though I would advise a couple in our exact situation to approach some things differently, by God's grace, he has blessed me with an incredible husband who loves Him primarily, despite my screw-ups in dating. Our marriage isn't without it's difficulties, but I can honestly say that aside from Jesus, Adrian is the biggest blessing in my life.

A few thoughts and tidbits on this subject:
1) An article I read this week hit the nail on the head when it said an entire generation of church-going girls were taught that if they loved Jesus enough, He'd bring them a husband. They sat and waited for this "prize" of a man and the church, by and large, failed to tell them a husband wasn't the prize - JESUS is the prize.

2) Most married and/or older people have also failed to accurately convey reality to our single friends. Rather than telling them, "You'll meet someone some day" or "The right one is still out there," we need to be realistic. Statistics say you are not guaranteed a husband or wife. Not everyone marries. It is not an inevitability, and this is not a reflection of God's goodness or how marry-able you are. Again - JESUS is the prize, not a spouse - and saying good girls and guys will eventually have one implies that if they work hard enough, they'll be gifted with a spouse, as if that is the ultimate goal. It's not. Our pastor in Raleigh used to say that unhappy single people become unhappy married people. This does not imply that you need to work to make yourself happier, and then God will bless you with a spouse. Remember #1 - Jesus is the prize. Work to find your happiness in Him and let him care for your heart - single or not.

3) If you marry or if you don't, realize there are incredible burdens and blessings with both. Neither is an easy road, but in God's wisdom, He gifts people with either the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage - oftentimes both at different seasons of life. John Piper did an excellent sermon on this I listened to after Adrian and I broke up. If you have trouble believing that there are good things in singleness, please listen.

4) Realize that if you do get married, it will still be really easy to idolize marriage and the identity it brings along with it. A book I was reading earlier this week reminded me of how easy it is, especially for women, to allow ourselves to fear losing our marriage so much that it drives us to silence about sin out of fear. Ladies - who is the ultimate provider of your security, your sanctification, and your sustenance? Is it a man, or is it Jesus? Again, marriage is not the prize - Jesus is the prize. Don't be bullied into silence or wishfully hoping your husband will change for fear of losing that union.

5) Speaking up in a relationship is important. Men - you need to put on your big-boy pants and shoot straight. Our feelings might be hurt, we might cry in front of you (heaven forbid!), but we will get over it. Don't be a pansy and "hang out" with a girl for months and never give her any clear indication of your feelings. If you don't want to date her - tell her and act like it. If you do want to date her - tell her and act like it. Women, if a guy isn't declaring any intentions at all with you (and hear me - I'm not talking about the first few weeks. Don't be that girl who pushes too early and too much. I was and it's one of the reasons we broke up), don't just sit around "hoping and praying" he eventually will declare feelings for you. Protect your heart and have those conversations to see if this is going anywhere. Don't be so afraid of losing his friendship that you put everything on the line - time, emotions, hopes, plans - without knowing he is on the same page. See #3. Don't idolize that relationship or potential marriage. God wants men to be men and women to be women, but nowhere in the Bible does it advocate men using women or women being doormats.

6) Date within the context of community. I cannot emphasize this enough. Unfortunately, Adrian and I did not really do this since we lived in 2 different states until we got married (but we still had our respective friends and mentors give counsel). For the young people who aren't in our particular set of circumstances - make dating within community a priority. If you date within the community of your local church it (i) allows you to get to know people and let people get to know you more naturally, (ii) allows you to see a very real picture of whether or not that person loves Jesus, (iii) allows you to have people speak into your relationship, rather than solely trusting your own instincts and perceptions, (iv) allows you to date someone who is open to correction and wisdom from others. Too many times I've seen friends date people who were unwilling to go to church with them, be vulnerable with others or listen to counsel. Sometimes these people claimed to be believers, sometimes they didn't. Either way, an unyielding and unteachable spirit in a partner leads to heartache.

7) Don't date people that don't share the faith you claim. Obviously, most of these points are directed at people that claim to know Jesus and would call themselves Christian. If you believe in Christ, and your significant other does not - I beg you to reconsider the whole relationship. I know it's hard to feel like you're "limiting your options" by only dating people who believe in Jesus. I'll ask you this though - is it worth your time, energy and heartache to keep dating people who will work off a different set of ideals and standards, just for the sake of having more options? I would think less options of a better quality equals more success overall.

8) Treat the people you date as your brother or sister in Christ. Biblically, we don't see a model for dating like we do it today. That leaves a lot of areas for you to wonder how to relate to people in relationships. Biblically, it seems people either treat each other as a brother or sister in Christ, caring for them and protecting them and wanting the best for them, or you're married - in which case it's all those things, plus the gift of sex. When in doubt on how to date, treat that person as you would someone you care deeply about without the romantic side of things. This gets tricky - not going to lie - but if there isn't a clear direction toward marriage, treat them with respect and courtesy as you would a dear friend. Most people don't routinely make out with friends, so keep that in mind when figuring out how to conduct yourself.

Please hear my heart on this - I care about your love life. Is that weird? I see so much heartache due to poor relationships where men don't act like Godly men and women don't act like Godly women. It doesn't have to be that way. You won't date perfectly - God's grace will cover that. You won't have a pure heart all the time - God's grace will cover that. You will desire things out of a relationship you were never meant to find there - God's grace will cover that. Above all else, clothe yourself with dignity, seek wisdom and counsel and remember that JESUS is the prize.

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,

You probably won't know this, but I used to be a writer. Shocking, right? Ever since you began to grow in my belly, all my creative juices seem to have seeped out into the world around me. I look at all the beautiful things in the world and I want to capture them - with words, with pictures - but there isn't enough time in the day. Then I begin to think about the beautiful miracle that YOU are and I realize this is one story in my life that needs to be captured. I'm sorry it's taken me 5+ months to begin truly writing your story, but just know that your story was already being written by the Author of Life long before we knew about you.

Your daddy and I will celebrate four years of being married soon after you enter this world. It's been an amazing period in our life, and God has taught us so much and brought us so far. Someday we'll tell you about the health issues that preceeded you and how God worked on my heart from before we were married to prepare me to become a mom. He is PERFECT in his timing, let me reiterate that. All I knew before your Dad was that kids should be put off until I was much older and until after Daddy and I had had YEARS of time to ourselves, traveling and focusing on us. Can I be honest? I was terrified you'd appear sooner than I was (selfishly) ready. After years of health issues, though, I began to wonder if you'd ever arrive, and in God's infinite wisdom, he gave you to us.

When I found out I was pregnant with you, it was around 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday - the day before my birthday. I had been up about 6 times that night, anxiously wondering if I was pregnant and promising myself I would take a test when I woke up. However, since I kept waking up, I took the test ridiculously early in the morning and lo and behold - there was proof. To be honest - I was shocked. Some days I still am! I went into our bedroom and woke your dad up and said I needed to tell him something. Groggily, he asked if everything was OK and I said, "I'm pregant." Of course, since I frequently talk in my sleep (a fact I'm sure you'll be aware of someday!), your dad asked me if I was "crazy talking." I assured him I was not and that there would be a baby. He got up and went to the bathroom and came back and asked me again what I had said. When I once again told him I was pregnant, we were going to be parents, he finally realized I wasn't talking in my sleep - I was perfectly lucid - and he was going to be a dad.

We are so excited to meet you and find out whether you're going to be a little man or a little lady. (I definitely "feel" like you're all boy, but we shall see on your birthday!) I'm excited to have a name for you after we meet you, and I'm excited to begin learning all about you! There are definitely still times I struggle with picturing what life is going to look like in less than 4 months. Without knowing a gender, or a name, or a face or a personality, I wonder so much. Who are you? I know you like to dance in my belly in anticipation of me eating! You have also begun kicking my bladder - a fact I am less than thrilled about. You hopefully have my hair genes, which would explain the heartburn. What a blessing you are though - it's been a physically easy pregnancy with very little sickness (say no to Beyonce when you're older though!), and I'm so grateful you're taking it easy on me! Let's keep that trend going after you're born, mmmk?

I'm thankful you've started kicking to where Dad can feel you too, and I can't wait till you're old enough to play with your "big brother", Ben. He has no idea what's in store! If you can, get used to his barking now - you'll hear it a lot :/

I pray for you, VanderBean. I pray that you'll come to know God early in your life and avoid the heartaches of rejecting the Gospel. I pray that whether you're athletic (please choose soccer or basketball and rock at it!) or whether you're more creative, whether you're outgoing and gregarious or whether you're shy and reserved, that you would see your gifts and talents as blessings from the Lord to be used for His glory. I pray you find a Godly mate and marry early. Most of all I pray you grow up to love Jesus and take big risks for him. Your dad and I are trying to set that pattern in our life, and I hope it translates to you. Grow big (not TOO big yet) and strong, and know that your mama and daddy love you because of how Christ has loved us.

Much love,
Mama

Past, Present and Future

It's amazing when I look back and think about life a year ago. So much is different, and it all seems like a whirlwind, but a year is a long time, right?

This week last year:
-I quit at Ashford and started working for Cushman & Wakefield. It was like coming out of a fog and realizing I could enjoy work again.
-We celebrated 2.5 years of marriage and 3 years since getting engaged.
-I continued questioning our future, starting a family and setting down roots.

This week this year:
-I celebrated being at my job a year, although it wasn't official since I started with a recruiter and not directly with C&W.
-We celebrated 3.5 years of marriage yesterday and 4 years since getting engaged. Crazy how long ago that seems!
-We celebrated 3 weeks of home ownership and being 23 weeks along with our first baby. This morning we laid in bed and Adrian felt the baby clearly kicking for a while. I'm really glad to be able to share the physical effects with him,especially since this week brought lots of discussions about how my body is changing due to pregnancy.

Even though a lot of the uncertainty of last year has faded, (we've decided God has called us to Denver for the long-term, leading us to buy a house and begin our family here), as always, a whole new set of uncertainty has cropped up. What does life look like in 4 months? Will I be a good mom? I know nothing about babies. How will I cope with all the emotions? Will our house ever be settled and feel like home? Will I always struggle with discontentment about something? I KNOW the Lord is faithful and provides. Sometimes, as an emotional person, it's hard for me to feel it though, even in the face of so much evidence. I worry and I fret and wonder about the future, but try to trust God for my home, my security, my mental health and my family.

The VanderBean Chronicles

Maybe you've seen that meme (how the heck is that pronounced?!) where the girl says she doesn't feel 30. She feels 20, but then she hangs out with 20 year olds and realized she's 30. That kind of describes where I'm at right now.

I don't feel like I'm a grown-up, married, home-owning, future parent. I feel like I'm fresh out of college with a world of possibilities awaiting me. Then, I hang out with people that ARE fresh out of college with a world of possibilities and I'm reminded that I'm further from that time period than I realize - and that's OK. In fact, I kind of like it. Possibilities freak me out. When the world is your oyster and up to you to choose, there's a ton of pressure to make certain decisions or be a certain person and that stresses me out. I love the stability the Lord has built into my life, and I love our community here in Denver, our house, and the little one God is growing inside of me. Such big life things still freak me out, but I'm comforted knowing that all of these changes that are happening are doing so under God's loving guidance and not because I'm forcing them. It's kind of a miracle I got to this stage of life and now I'm trying to just enjoy the ride :)

Speaking of miracles, we saw our little VanderBean today - live and in living color! Our 20-week ultrasound (which actually fell at 21 weeks - over halfway there!) was today, and it was absolutely crazy to see AND feel our baby!

All is progressing normally and on schedule, although the tech did say the baby's arms and legs are measuring long for it's age. Shocker. Have you seen my husband?! As the tech was moving around and showing us a good strong spine and tiny little fists, I started to feel a sharp pain on my right side and asked her to see what was happening there. Sure enough, VanderBean was kicking up a storm at that moment and we caught it on the ultrasound :) It was so cool to feel something and to be able to see exactly what was happening that was causing that feeling! Once that happened, Adrian put his hand on my stomach in hopes of feeling baby moving, but the tech said it might be a couple more weeks before that happens.

With the knowledge of baby's impending arrival (still on track for mid-August) comes a sense of urgency to get everything settled in the house before little one arrives or before my body becomes completely foreign to me. Call it nesting, call it obsession with our home, but either way - we realized this weekend there is definitely a limit to how much I can and should do right now. I'm trying to find the balance of being productive, but also resting in the Lord's provision and knowing that he provided the house and he will make it a home - whether or not it's painted the way I want or if the furniture is exactly where I want it to be.

A Relocated VanderHouse :)

Well - we have been home owners for exactly a week now!! A lot has happened since I last blogged, but I want to - in the essence of documentation - share a little of the process.

The house, right before it became ours!

The week leading up to closing was a bit of a nightmare. We had been surprised at how smoothly everything had gone up until that point, and Tuesday night (scheduled to close the following Wednesday), everything fell apart. I won't go into all the details, but multiple times, we were ready to walk away. To say it was a loooong week would be an understatement. Each hour between Tuesday night and closing crawled by and was filled with doubts of whether or not we'd actually make it to closing, or whether we should just walk away and call it a learning experience.

Between Tuesday and Friday, we closed the door on the house (figuratively, obviously, since we didn't own it) several times, and I prepared myself to walk away. I was so thankful for all the Lord had taught us about faith and trusting him through the process, but it seemed like it was a definite "no" for the first time, and I had been praying God would make it clearly a yes or no.

The weekend before our scheduled closing was an emotional roller coaster. I wanted to get off the ride and throw up. I wanted to walk away because I was pissed. I wanted to hang on because I loved the house. I wanted to prove a point that "Mama didn't raise no fool," and yet I felt torn because we believed we weren't being foolish, instead relying on God's leading and provision for THIS house. After talking about it and praying about it (it sounds trite, maybe, but it was very much something we needed to pray about), we decided to tentatively move forward and somehow come up with what we needed to get the house. If God had called us to this house 5 weeks prior, had that changed? No, it hadn't. The new circumstances hadn't caught God by surprise, so we moved forward.

Benny is LOVING his new backyard :)

Once again the Lord provided, this time in a very tangible way through our church family. We were mightily provided for, in order that we might see and recognize God's faithfulness and goodness. I can't even begin to tell you what that has done to our hearts. One night, we sat and cried and prayed with friends. We thanked God for his incredible care and for our church family that cared for us as Jesus does. In a very real way, we experienced God's hand working through the situation and we are so immensely, immensely grateful. To those who prayed and provided (you know who you are), we love you so much and praise God for you. Thank you for demonstrating God's faithfulness through your sacrifices.

Fast forward to Thursday, and although it was a day late (and several dollars shorter!), we walked into an office, signed some papers, met the amazing Mortgage Mike and walked out as homeowners. It was surreal. Adrian had been packing a moving truck ALL DAY with a friend and when we got back to our apartment, we found there had been others who had volunteered to come keep packing while we closed. I drove my car to our new house and was met by friends who had come to help us unload everything into the house. By the time Adrian and his mom showed up with the truck - we had a porchful of friends waiting to get everything moved in. All told, there were around 15 people who gave time and energy to help this pregnant lady and her exhausted husband start a new chapter by moving all our worldly possessions. We are SO blessed by you, friends.

Sunset out the front window Wednesday night

I cannot begin to tell you how humbled, and awestruck, and thankful, and excited we are by all God has done in the last week and a half in our lives through our church and friends. It has been a long and (still) exhausting week of trying to unpack and settle in and get life organized, but I have every confidence that the Lord who cares enough to give us a house will care enough to make it a home :)

Emotional stretching feels worse than physical stretching

For the last several weeks at church, we have been studying through the book of John in a series on belief. Concurrently, we've also been in the midst of our Roots campaign, which is challenging us to examine how God would have us put down roots and commit so that Summit can be a church that exists in downtown Denver for multiple generations. (PS - That is practically unheard of.)

Now, let's remember that over the last several weeks I have also been pregnant (thinking about future generations) and in the midst of buying a house (putting down roots in the city). Well, everything culminated last night and today in a big, pregnant, weepy mess.

Although Adrian is on staff at church, we were slackers who waited until last night to turn in our commitment card. Over the course of this house-buying process, we have had to learn to trust the Lord daily all over again. Although he has proved himself SO OFTEN, especially since we began taking leaps of faith like quitting jobs and moving to Denver, it's been a daily process of believing he wants us in this house and believing he'll provide for that to happen. Some of you may know that the house we're buying scares us a little financially. We're not being foolhardy, it's just stretching us beyond ourselves and our normal "We got this" attitude. We agreed before we put in an offer that we wanted this house to be a place that would bring God glory, both through the process and through the provision of it.

So far, each day, he has shown up big-time and confirmed moving forward on the house. It started with someone willing to partner with us to see the Gospel go forward in the city. It kept going with a clean inspection on the house with nothing major - a huge feat for a 100+ year old house! Then, one huge piece of the puzzle, down payment money, came together last week, totally outside our control.

But last night, as we're trying to figure out what our commitment to the Summit financially will look like, I froze. All those ways the Lord had already provided and confirmed moving forward flew out of my mind as Adrian gave me a number he thought we should contribute. I freaked out a little - not gonna lie. Just when it seemed we were getting our ducks in a row and pulling together everything we need to make this house happen, God challenged me to let go of my control, my plan, my money and my trust in myself.

So, with many tears and much trepidation (on my part) we committed to give in a way that freaks me out. Fast forward to this morning and my performance review. Totally outside of my radar, God provided through a bonus and a raise that was so unexpected, I hadn't even been looking for it! Ten minutes later, Adrian delivers the news that our apartment complex, which had every right to a month's rent for breaking our lease, wasn't going to charge us a thing! Those two things combine to more than double what we gave.

PLEASE HEAR THIS: This isn't some kind of "what goes around comes around" message or an endorsement of karma. Far from it. Do I think I would have still gotten a raise and we would have been let out of our lease even without commiting to give sacrifically last night? Absolutely. God is not vindictive nor trite. It wasn't a test of trust that since we passed, he gave us more money. Instead, it was another opportunity for us to demonstrate practically the belief we have in his goodness - and then a very real and clear demonstration of that goodness. Last night, God taught me about trusting, not only in his provision, but in Adrian's leadership of our family. Even without today's events, God would still be God. He would still be trustworthy, and letting my husband lead in generosity would still be a good thing. However, coupled with today, it's such a clear picture of how Jesus desires to bless us - first in himself and his gift of salvation, and then in the little gifts he gives us because he loves us.

If you are reading this and you don't know Jesus, congratulations on making it to this point :) This is a long blog post with lots of churchy language, but know this - the Lord is good. He is good because he gave us himself when we deserved wrath, and he is continually willing to show his goodness, even so I can have a clar-foot tub :)

Welcome

There's a song that apparently was originally done by Nina Simone, but in my mind, I hear it done by the Pussycat Dolls. Call me crazy or a product of my culture - either way, the lyrics are the same and they still apply.

"It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life for me...And I'm feelin good."

Many of you who stumble upon this blog probably knew me pre-Denver. Maybe we were college friends, or you knew me in NC and read my blog all about newlywed life. Maybe you're a new local friend, in which case, you probably don't know a ton about me.

Since my husband and I moved to Colorado nearly two years ago (wow!), I have virtually stopped blogging. Blame it on the lack of internet at the house, a busier life, or a desire to be more intentional in relationships, thus leading me to develop real community in person vs. over the internet, but it's been at least a year and a half since I blogged with any continuity. Things changed drastically in my life and I stopped writing. Now, things are about to change drastically again, and I hope to jump back into writing once again.

So, as Nina Simone/Nicole Scherzinger sang: It's a new life for me.

To catch you all up very briefly - we moved from North Carolina to Colorado on a wing and a prayer and a trust that the Lord had called us to this place for a purpose. We quit jobs, broke our lease and headed west for a grand adventure. Since that point, God has revealed himself and his provision for us time, and time, and time again. It's been an amazing journey.

And now - we are about to embark on another journey, or rather several journeys that all dovetail. This month, we will close on our first home in downtown Denver. Approximately 4.5 months after that, we will then become parents for the first time. Big changes on the horizon for the Vanderburgs. The VanderHouse (a real actual HOUSE!) will, hopefully, be a place where people can find refuge and respite in the Lord. Our little family, we pray, will be hospitable and generous with the gifts God has given us.

This new blog, then, is a way to chronicle God's provision of this house, this child, this calling and this life. It might be filled with bitter ranting about not being able to paint the walls the color I want. It might be filled with helpless weeping as I ask questions about what it looks like to care for a child. I hope it will be filled with stories of how God is growing us in love for one another and most of all - love for him.

So, feel free to read and keep up with us here at VanderHouse Happenings.